Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
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me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.