me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
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Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
No, he would not have.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.