[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
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Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.