Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

[Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

Body: I need water.

Me: Diet Coke?

Body: No, water.

Me: Wine?

Body: NO, WATER!

Me: Coffee it is.

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

[kicks in your door to apologize to you]

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard

When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.

GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired