Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

Look at this

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.

[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

Ok who’s got my black socks?

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

Him: Wanna see my prison tats?

Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys

Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in

Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.