Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
giddy up Office Depot
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
