Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here

Lucky for them, they’re cute

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.

me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing

Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.

You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had