Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

Incredible customer service.

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious