Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.

Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.

Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.