Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes

Don’t talk down to me

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

Mountain Goat : )

weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals

me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.

Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.

Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.