Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

genie: you can’t wish for more wishes

me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world

genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan

me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes

alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month

Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.