me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
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SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.