me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
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CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I feel this so hard
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Cool shirt 🙂
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.