me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
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Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
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I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
seems fine
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Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.