me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
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But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
The prophecy is fulfilled
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.