Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
You Might Also Like
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.