Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.

everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks

february: no

The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.

I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one

KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.