Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1321017599308845057/pu/vid/640x360/tqCr23khsbxa2nxJ.mp4?tag=10

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.