Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!