Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

Great game to play with friends

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.

ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

Taking phone security to the next level.

Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.

Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.