Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
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[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
The Joker was right
Why font matters.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.