Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
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If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.