Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest

Person: Raise your glasses!

Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.

Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work

a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

Social distancing in Australia:

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”