Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
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Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone