Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet

Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊

What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.

What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.