Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
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Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.