Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: strengths?

ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument

INTERVIEWER: great

ME: which could also be a weakness…

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?

Her: Sure, I’d love to

Me: Wtf is wrong with you

the greatest twitter interaction

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.