Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

I beg your pardon?

I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

6:32 a.m.

Me: Good morn—

6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward

Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise

Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.