Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”

-women wearing uggs

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*