me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
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[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.