me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
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Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”