Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?

my husband and i: ………👀

6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?

*synchronized sigh of relief*

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.

Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.

Lamb: THAT’S your advice?

Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.

Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!

Therapist: (grins sheepishly)

Lamb:

Therapist:

Lamb:

Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

I can’t wait!

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time