Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

Him: what’s your favorite season?

Me: Reese’s Egg Season

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.

Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!

-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please