Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*

Autocorrect just changed “have a prosperous 2025” to “have a preposterous 2025” and I feel that’s much more likely.

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

her: who’s ur favorite vampire

me: that one on Sesame Street

her: he doesn’t count

me: i assure u he does, Jen

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.