Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.

Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?

Her: No.

Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?

Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more

DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up

ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude