Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

You don’t see great advertising like this anymore

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

My favorite type of men is ramen.

It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you

What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!

⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

The cake is mightier than the sword.