(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.