Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving

Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.

Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

just having fun

I have never related to a cat more

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS