Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection

man: wait

time: no

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

Her, 5: can I have another pickle?

Me: no more pickles

Her: can I stare at the pickles?

Me: sure

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold

Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡