Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.

(10 minutes later)

My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!

Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…

news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

Always give 100%

unless you’re donating blood.

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.