Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*

My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.