Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok

[hosting a party]

Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.

Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*

Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

A dating app for angry people- Grumble

When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

Thank heavens for community notes

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.