Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

The French really did the “this is fine” meme.

Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro

Pal: I think you mean…

Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again

how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”

– reverse psychology

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus