Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

Hear me out: WrestleVania

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

My diet starts in January

of 2027

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices

will i understand Nosferatu if i haven’t seen Nosfera 1

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.