Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

🤭

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.

This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.

Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?