Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills

You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.

Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.