Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?

ME: There is no way

PAL: Why?

ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them

I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?