Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
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The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes