Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé

Tell the colonel to bring it

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?

Unhoppy.

#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F

PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.