Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Donates my body to science

Science: Donates my body to Goodwill

Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store

[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]

scientist 1: well?

scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything

s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday