Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
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I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.