Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
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Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”