me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
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I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.