Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Me: Any Costco requests?

Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?

Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.

Given the memory span of a goldfish…

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)