Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!

Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!

Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

I…do not understand how electricity works.

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

B

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN

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