Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

Not now. I’m deglazing.

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

yeet

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭