Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –

HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.

A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

“felt cute might delete later lolz”

If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

My favorite state to visit?

Unconsciousness

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)

Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)