Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.

Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink

Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”