Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.