Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
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I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.