Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

got so much cardio in today

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

Looking good, Kim! #LNSM

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!

Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

That time Alicia messaged me