Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

Did I do this right

Need WebMD

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

Grandpa: Music today is terrible

Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*

Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

Her: How do you like your bacon?

Me: In bulk

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

[Top of the Eiffel Tower]

Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you

Them:

Me: get it? “I fell”

Them: *pushes me off* you fell

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.