Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.