Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

(2022)

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.

me: what’s your favorite book

her: I love 1984

me: just pick one

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”

“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.