Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on

Have a lovely day 😊

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

Ferrari squats

Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

Espresso Patronum!

– Me warding off morning people

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago