Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

I’m the drunk sheep of the family.

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

Son: what are those wrinkles

Me: crows feet

Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you

Me:

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

[at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry

[lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”