Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
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Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
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“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
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doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?