Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?

Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-

Them: Oh Jesus

Me: -the portable hat!

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]

Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

i will avenge u mr van gogh

My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

saving face 👀

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.